Magic with hook and needles

Change

By Vendulka - January 24, 2023

Hello, my dears,

first post of the year, ugh. But I'm still in January, so I'm doing well. :-)

How are you? Are the New Year's resolutions slowly fading away or are you working on them steadily?

This post is very long. The most honest and open I have ever written. Not common about crocheting.... so if you will continue to read it, be kind, please ...

Every year, I started by saying - the last year was hard... And that I will believe, that the next year will be better etc. This year something is different. I made a change because I was afraid I might not live to see the new year. I don't mean that metaphorically. Lying on the ground, crying, and apologizing to my girls and husband for being so weak, thinking of the last list of tasks I will ever write. Feeling so worthless, hopeless, and broken. Yes, last year was hard, not only the last but maybe the last 8 years? I felt completely down and broken so many times during that time. BUT! I don't want to complain. Last year was a game-changer. It also taught me a lot. And it's still teaching.

Recently my boss told me that when I'm well, I shine across the room, everything around me glows and people like me must never be sad. I'd expect those words from anyone else, but never from him. The white walker, this was the nickname I gave to him. So cold and heartless, everyone's scared of him.... I guess, some time with me changed him a little bit. :-)

Anyway, I realized I wanted to shine again, that I miss it, but this time, not for someone else, but for myself. And so I'm trying to find my lost light again. And psychotherapy helps me to do that, which I'm also learning because I never knew how to talk about my deepest feelings. I believed, that my role here in this world is to bring light and happiness, not tell someone about my fear, sadness, complaints, and opinions, which could upset them. I hid my feelings from others. I blamed myself for these feelings. I was scared to disappoint anyone if I did not fulfill their expectation. But do you know what? It was mission impossible. But I didn't know it.

And so I am here, in my 43, reading some clever books, realizing that the words seem to be taken out of my mouth and describing my feelings and my life. I can't breathe. My heart would like to jump from my chest. I feel naked. Fragile. But strangely calm, because I realized, that I am not crazy. That the feelings I felt, were right. That the things that happened to me were real and have a real explanation and most importantly, that there is a way out from that sh*t. Realizing, that my high sensitivity is not my weakness but that it is my strength and that I have always known it.

This is one of them. My "oh moment" book.

The Highly Sensitive Person's Guide to Dealing with Toxic People:

How to Reclaim Your Power from Narcissists and Other Manipulators

My recommendation for highly sensitive people like me: please read it slowly... and take your time to understand. Be kind to yourself.

My father, that morning before he took his own life, wrote to me: Vendulko, be strong, don't cry, don't stay on the surface, but go deep... I thought I'd been doing that all my life, but I was wrong. I feel like I've only really started doing it now, after my own burnout. I'm going under the surface of my own skin, deep down into my soul. It's not an easy journey, it's challenging and yes, it is scary, but it's necessary.

As you know, every year I choose a new word for myself.

At first, it was HOPE - and yes I was hopeful. But I've found that just hoping isn't enough.

Then it was BRAVERY - and yes I was brave. But I didn't stand firm.

And then it came. The word for this year. That word is CHANGE.

I realized that in order to be happy, in order to rekindle my inner light, I need and want to change. I can't JUST hope, be brave for a while, but not persist in my efforts. Because no one will come. No one will save me. I realized that if I wanted to do something with my life, I had to change inside. And I want to do not only for myself, but also for my daughters, and my other self in this world.

Once upon a time, I visited the Spiritual for channeling. Let anyone think what they want about it. But I truly believe there is something between heaven and earth... And then this old lady told me that I have a lot of trials in my life, that I have to earn everything, that nothing comes easy to me, that I have to fight for it, and that it's because I'm clearing the karma. Twenty years later I understood that and I stopped asking myself why. I accepted it. And I know that my high sensitivity, anxiety, perfectionism, workaholism, diagnosed depression, autoimmune disease, heart defect, my father's mental illness and suicide, dysfunctional family patterns, my broken heart by all important men of my life .... all have the reason. Everything that has happened in my life has happened for a reason.

To stop, to reflect, to be true and honest with me first and foremost, to be brave and change what I feel, is wrong. To listen to the whispers of my inner voice.

So now, I am here, still in my 43, but I am different. I'm learning to follow through. I'm learning not to be a victim. To break the bonds of my family patterns, to rewrite them. I'm learning to take back the power over myself that I willingly and yet gladly gave to someone else. And that's only because I didn't believe I was worth anything. I didn't love myself. I'm learning to set precise goals and be persistent and consistent and I'm learning to love myself for the small steps and to be kind to myself as I can be to others. I am learning to forgive myself for failures. I am learning to forgive others not to fulfill my expectations because it is not their responsibility and I am learning to accept their choices. I'm learning to set boundaries, build healthy relationships, and know my worth.

And that's what I want to pass on to my daughters. I want them to always know their worth. And from my point of view, the only way to pass it on is to show it to them and live by it.

Something that helped me with setting goals and making plans, seeing the vision, and believing in my way.

So my dears, thank you very much you reading to the end. Maybe you are asking, why I wrote this. Well, I needed it. For me and maybe for someone somewhere, who needed to read it right now. Maybe for someone who doesn't believe, that her/him could be loved unconditionally. And I really want them to know, that yes, they can and that there is only one person, who can do it. This person lives directly inside of you. Please be kind to yourself and be thankful for every little step you make.

And if this will not help you, please don't forget that there is still plenty of soft colorful happiness ready to help. :-)